"ALEX MARSHALL" from Footprints
Bio provided by author:
It would be simple to write off Alex as a young man intent of preserving what he views as his best interests at the expense of others, including people about whom he professes to care. As the story of his struggle with his sexuality has unfolded since late 1999, however, it has become clear that Alex's conflict runs deep and he is far more than a schemer. His introduction to King's Bay came through his mother, Sally, whose neglect of her son throughout his life has deadened his self-esteem and left him feeling socially awkward. He could never discuss his sexual confusion or anything else of any consequence with her and thus still doubts that anyone would be accepting of him -- not just as a homosexual, but as a person. His attraction to good friend Jason Fisher seems to have more to do with the open support Jason has offered than with true romantic feelings, although Alex appears unaware of this. He has attempted to build a relationship with Lauren Brooks, hoping to simplify things for himself, but the effort has been hot and cold as he wrestles with his own hopes versus what he knows, deep down, is his reality. Recently Alex has retreated from his friends and begun dwelling on the past, specifically upon his freshman year of college, which seems to hold another key to his behavior ...
ALEX SCENE #1:
Submitted scene -- from Episode #215:
The leather feels so familiar against Alex's hands, even now.
His fingers hold the journal cautiously, like it might explode at any instant. They pull it carefully from its place at the back of the "junk drawer" in his dresser and he walks over to the bed, unable to remove his eyes from it.
He sits down on the edge of the bed but quickly moves himself back to the headboard, leaning against it as he pulls his knees up closer to him.
Save for the times he has moved in the past few years -- and the ample opportunities those times provided for him to discard the journal -- this is the first time it has been out of that drawer in a long time. He marvels at the passage of time as his fingers reach to open the leather cover.
Five and a half years.
Five and a half years. That was once practically an eternity to him. The idea of five and a half years passing used to seem amazing, almost impossible.
It's still amazing to him now, albeit for different reasons entirely. It's been five and a half years since he put this journal -- once his best friend, the confidant that hid in his dresser until he needed to consult with it -- away for good. Five and a half years since his life changed so completely.
I should have thrown it away, he thinks suddenly. But for some reason that isn't immediately clear to him, the very thought of losing this book sends a terrified shudder through him. He always knew the day would come eventually when he would no longer be able to resist and he would have to dive back into the journal's pages and back into the past.
That day is here.
Without even realizing it at first, he begins to review what led him to this point. The visit from Don several days ago -- it's been burning at his brain almost nonstop. But it's more than Don's support that brought him back to the journal. It's everything that has happened in the past two years. Everything with Courtney and Lauren and--
Jason. I never should have let that happen. Not after what happened last time ...
His trembling fingers flip to the first page of entries.
***That fall, the fall of 1995, felt different to Alex the instant that the first traces of gold and burgundy appeared on the trees. Somehow he knew it would be different. He knew, somehow, that that year would change his life more than anything else ever had.
Of course, that much should have been obvious: In September of that year, he entered his freshman year of college. He made the choice to leave home, at least while school was in session, and live in the dorms. The whole thing was overwhelmingly exciting -- anxious, definitely, but also just plain exciting. He would have the chance to be away from his mother and away from the hell of high school, to start over in a new environment and be in control of how others perceived him and how he lived.
He knew he wanted to live in the dorms from the moment he visited the school as a prospective student. That was where most of the action was for the freshmen, it seemed, and he certainly didn't want to miss out on any of that. He didn't want to feel lost in the shuffle as he had in high school -- no, he wanted to be right at the center of all the important happenings.
One thing about living in the dorms frightened him, though, and that was the prospect of living with a roommate. He didn't know anyone who was going to his school, and if he had he probably would not have wanted to live with him anyway. But the idea of sharing such limited space with a stranger troubled him, as much as he didn't want to admit that it did, and it ate away at the back of his mind for most of the summer before he entered college.
Now Alex stares down at the pages, examining the loops and lines of black ink that spell out his fears. The journal had been a high school graduation present from one of his mother's friends and he had been determined to make good use of it and record all the changes that would soon be sweeping through his life. Little did he know back then how great a gift this journal would turn out to be.
He turns the pages through the summer and the entries carry him into the fall. His roommate, Seth, wrote him a letter a few weeks before school began, once they received each other's name and address, and Alex did the same. The letter hadn't really told him that much, but he felt a bit more at-ease being able to pin some basic characteristics on the guy with whom he would be spending the entire year.
Seth played soccer in high school and was hoping to make the college's team. His grades were decent enough, his parents were still married, he had one younger sister. The usual information. Alex had written back with a similar letter, outlining the major factors in his life.
Still, the idea of having to be in such close proximity to Seth had Alex worried. Would he be able to find quiet time to write? Would he be able to get his work done? Sleep schedules, TV shows, and very minor details ... They were all burning on Alex's brain.
The anxiety melted away the moment that he walked into the room. Seth was there with his parents, unpacking his things. He was friendly, warm, and Alex liked him instantly. They ate together in the dining hall that night and the next day signed up for classes together, registering in the same literature class. Alex enjoyed the quick friendship, which had never come so easily before. Still, during those first few weeks he never felt totally comfortable around Seth -- but then, he never was completely comfortable around others, especially people he didn't know very well.
The changes for which Alex had hoped were coming. He and Seth quickly got to know other students in their dorm. They became part of a large social circle, the type of group in which Alex had always dreamed he could be included during high school. The first semester dashed by, a virtual blur of changes, new friends, and crazy nights. Of course there were low points, but the overall success of the experience kept Alex's journal entries light and happy, for the most part.
He is surprised to find that the pages are still crisp between his fingers as he moves through that first semester all over again. It's a time that his mind has often revisited, but he never allows it to dwell for too long -- because he knows where it all changes.
Those pages are approaching now. The handwriting gets sloppier, the words more spread out. Fewer exclamation points and more question marks decorate the pages.
Alex pauses as he reaches finals week of that semester, the week before the students were to head home for their month-long winter break.
He can't do this now.
He flips the journal shut and tucks it under his pillow. Quickly he rises, moving to the kitchen for a drink or a snack or--something. Anything to pull him out of that time.
It was a mistake to go back there.